Developing Character in Montessori Children

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The word "character" has many possible meanings to many people when they here the word. Often we here it used to describe a personality trait, an example could be "He's a funny character"

The character, I'm talking about is the kind of moral and ethical strength that's reflected in generally positive feelings of self-worth and a variety of life-coping skills.

A short description of profile traits with this type of character is outlined below. Recognize anyone you know? Would you like to see more of them in your children?

SeIf-Worth

• accepts his/her self with strengths and limitations

• feels loved and cherished by family and friends

• has a reality-based sense of accomplishment

• believes in ability to create a meaningful future

Life-Coping Skills

• is willing to learn new things

• can delay self-gratification for the sake of future goals

• understands and can articulate personal values, express feelings

• can identify alternatives and make decisions

There are lots more qualities we could list but this should at least give you a better idea of what we mean when we refer to character.

And helping our kids develop these traits really is our primary goal as parents,childcare providers and roll models.

More than giving our children stuff (How many video games do you really need, anyway?) or finding ways to keep them entertained (I-pod), Building character will help prepare them for the day when they leave home, and begin their life's work -- and start creating relationships and families of their own.

Tips for Parents of Montessori

The three basic ways adults respond to children include:

Affirmation. Comments positively on person and behaviour:            "I like who you are and I like what you're doing."

Discipline. Comments positively on person, negatively on behaviour:  "I like you, but I don't like what you're doing right now."

Shame. Comments negatively on both person and behaviour:          "I don't like you and I don't like what you're doing."

• Shame you remember shame. You probably got a lot of it when you were growing up. Parents used it often before noticing that it erodes the parent-child relationship and chips away at a child's self-esteem along with believing that they're worthless and incapable.

We shame our children when we compare them to one another, belittle them, shout them down, call them names, hit them in anger, or neglect their needs.

• Affirming our child requires a commitment on our part because no matter what else they might be doing, children do all sorts of good and responsible things that ought to be at least acknowledged, hard to remember in our busy households.

That's okay. Even though affirmation is one of the greatest personal skills we can ever develop or use with our children, it doesn't always come naturally.

But the results are worth it. Taking the time to affirm our children, our spouses, and others can lead us to become more caring. The payoffs come not only in an increased sense of self-worth in our children, but in ourselves, as well.

Here's the bad news:

It still doesn't magically eliminate the need to discipline children from time to time.

And that raises yet another of the perpetual perplexities of parenthood:

“How do we discipline kids without shaming them -- and confront their destructive behaviors without putting them down?”

Good question. We were just getting to that.

• Guidelines for Discipline

In one sentence:

Discipline is the ability to respect and follow reasonable rules, and the appropriate consequences that follow when we don't.

It's one of the trickiest areas of all with children. Because the fact is that if we really want our children to learn responsibility, it's necessary to call it to their attention when they behave irresponsibly. It needs to begin early, too. It's ludicrous to expect responsible behavior from an adolescent who was never disciplined as a child.

Still, when we define discipline as the ability to respect and follow reasonable rules, we need to point out that what makes these rules reasonable and earns them respect is that they help to maximize the quality of life we share together. As motives go, it's a lot more useful than the fear of punishment, which is usually less helpful in building character.

What works?

• Make the environment a great place to be. This is the best way to mold behavior. Activities can be as simple as meals, songs, or chores, or as involved as participating in sports, social clubs or community activities.

Some surveys show (Office for National Statistics 2006) that parents (adults) spend as little as 20 minutes a day with their kids, and much of this is spent in fussing and checking up. This isn't enough -- there's simply not enough involvement to compete with television and peers for influence in their lives.

But even more important than the amount of time we spend together is what happens during that time. Active participation helps build deeper relationships than passive entertainment.

• Establish non-negotiable rules for your kids. As parents (adults), we have the right to make rules that will help us live with our children in peace and harmony. As authorities in the environment we need to assert this right and insist on certain behaviors for children.

We make rules to establish limits for our children, who need boundaries if they're to grow. Specific non-negotiable rules should be worked out for each.

Examples of non-negotiable rules might include:

• No physical violence or verbal abuse or cursing.

• No destroying property

• No name calling, teasing, bullying

• Specific limits on TV time and content.

Many parents add other rules but regardless of which rules we insist on, we need to be as specific as possible and let our children know what we expect and when -- in clear and unmistakable terms.

• Establish negotiable rules. If our children are going to learn to make decisions and compromise, Who does which chores and when?

Unlike non-negotiable rules, which parents dictate, negotiable rules involve dialogue there's more room for flexibility.

Often these rules change as our children get older and can take on newer, more challenging responsibilities.

Needless to say, they have to follow up and negotiate those held in common and those passed over, but their children are even involved in this.

• Reach agreement on rules. By "agreement," I mean at least a basic understanding for the reasons why a particular rule exists.

If the child understands a rule and agrees that it's fair, they're more likely to keep it.

• Establish consequences for breaking rules. "Rules were made to be broken," goes an old saying. When this happens, the child must pay consequences, or else they learn that your rules mean nothing.
  There are three types of consequences, only two of which help to build character. See if you can pick them out.

• Natural Consequences. Allowing events to simply run their course. Example: getting cold on a winter day when you forgot to wear a coat.

• Logical Consequences. Forfeiting a privilege until responsibilities are met. Example: allowing a young person to go out only after chores are done, and denying this privilege (not a right) until chores are done.

• Arbitrary Consequences. Relying on inflicting pain and fear and often unrelated to any established rule. Example: spanking a cranky kid who doesn't know what to do about his or her bad mood.

As you probably already guessed, only natural and logical consequences really teach lessons --or build character.

Natural consequences are the best teachers of discipline, and we should let our children experience them when to do so will not endanger their health or inconvenience others.

No parent wants a toddler to learn that crossing a street alone is dangerous by allowing a car to teach the lesson. Nor do we want our teenagers to learn the hazards of drug use by allowing them to get strung out on crystal meth.

But we should let them take at least a few of life's lighter lumps and bruises; they'll learn from these.

The principle behind logical consequences is that privileges must be earned and maintained through responsible action. This is, after all, the way most of the world works most of the time.

A toddler can understand that he/she can't play with a second toy until the first has been picked up, or that he/she can't come out of your home's "whine room" until the whining stops and he/she's ready to relate without being cranky.

If you and your children can agree on what consequences will be experienced when rules are broken, your children then have a choice: Keep the rules or experience the consequences.

This way, you're able to slip out of the role of the "heavy," and instead become the person who sees to it that their choices are honored.

• Be consistent. Everything we've talked about thus far takes time, effort, and lots of involvement with our children. Still, there's a payoff: If we're consistent in our affirmation and discipline, our children won't feel as much need to be defiant and they'll probably be easier to get along with.

On the other hand, if we're not consistent in clarifying rules or in allowing children to experience the consequences of their choices, they'll almost certainly be worse off for it and so will we.